Due to a Heart Unrepaired

Hey you, stranger, my once upon a time,

I’ve come to acknowledge that there is, & never will be, a we. I am sure that you will eventually realize this for yourself, but for my own sake, I needed to write to you & tell you for myself. I can’t recall what made us start talking. I remember you messaging me, but what happened after that? What did we even talk about? You see, shouldn’t I remember those kind of details? I believe that if I can’t remember how we started, then maybe I never wanted a future with you. I don’t mean for that to be harsh. Though I do believe it holds an abundance of truth. You see, I can remember a crazy amount of details about other people. I can remember the first time I saw my best friend even though I didn’t officially meet him. I remember the first time I actually saw him for who he is, the first time we talked, even what we talked about…I remember the entire first conversation with him. I remember when I realized I liked him, & the way he laughed when he was nervous or surprised. I remember the jealous & anxious feelings I had when my friends would mention him. & the crazy protective feelings I would get when my parents insulted him. I remember the first time I wanted to kiss him, & the first time he told me he liked me. The first kiss, the first time we went in service together (which was the only time) with his mother, I remember his favorite things, & how we talked to each other the day you broke up with me for the trillionth time. I remember that day well because at one point he was within a foot away from me & when I looked up, all I saw were his eyes & lips, & how I desperately wanted to pull him closer to me. It wasn’t long after that day that I told him my darkest secret, while he held my hands and stroked them with his thumb. That’s when he told me I could tell him anything. You & I never had that kind of relationship. We never will. Anytime I tried telling you something that mattered to me, you twisted it so that I seemed like I needed to fix something about myself when that’s not at all what should have been done. There were times that I simply needed you to listen to me. Be an ear & not try to reason with my pain. It never failed either. I would go to you, you would say something that made me feel worse, I would ditch the conversation, & then text my best friend about some random thing. Maybe I didn’t have to go into detail about him & I, but I felt I needed to explain that I wasn’t hurting because of you. I should have hurt, I should have cried or at least missed you…but I didn’t. The only reason I felt like I wanted to cry was because I hated that I was left once again. You could have been anyone to me..

The most recent time that we tried working things out, I asked if we could be just friends first. Do you remember what you told me? You said, “I don’t need more friends”. Can you even comprehend how infuriated I was when I read that?! Do you even know how to spell girlfriend or boyfriend? Friend…it’s in the label & you didn’t want me as one! You wanted more but you didn’t want me as a friend. That was the most disappointing conversation we have ever had. Flash forward a few days to when you said you loved me. I didn’t say it back & you got upset. I’m not sure if you wanted me to lie & just say it back..I could have. It would have been an easy lie. But you don’t keep a picture of yourself kissing someone else if you love another person. I’m not hoarding that picture or just hoping for something with that guy anymore, I just adore looking at it because I was happy that day when the picture got taken. Him & I, my best friend, the guy that I love. I love him even though we don’t belong together. I love him for all that he is & will be. I love him because he allows me to be me without judgement & I the same for him. He doesn’t ask more of me than I can give. I’ve asked myself if I could love you in that way, but I can’t. I have tried. It is one of the impossible things in life.

This letter isn’t meant to bash you, but to open your eyes to the obvious reaction we have on each other. While my best friend brings out the best of me, you bring out the worst. Even though you find those horrid qualities of mine to be endearing, the world doesn’t. Those aren’t the qualities I wish to display. I want to be the girl who can joke around & be nice & be myself in a snarky way without feeling the need to destroy anything & everything. When we talk I feel as if I need to hold a brick wall up before myself, with just a small window to look out of. I wish to be free in my endeavors of love. Not closed in. I will not be the girl who stays home & cleans house while I wait for you to come home from work. I will not be the girl who is only around out of chance. I want to be loved & to love. I want a quiet night in, I want random memes sent to me because the other person thought that they were funny…I want someone who sends me their favorites songs because they want me to hear that side of them. I want a life of endless care because I DESERVE that. I deserve to feel as if I’m wanted whole-souled & not half heartedly. I know that a certain someone told me that I shouldn’t question what I deserve…this isn’t questioning it. This is stating it because I have no doubt that you want me because you will settle for anything as long as you get a marriage out of it. I will not be that to anyone. If I marry, I will be his EVERYTHING, not his temporary.

The last time we talked, will probably be the absolute last time we talk. I want to block you, to clear you from my life, but it’s not as easy as hitting a button on social media. The thoughts haunt me sometimes. The thoughts that I once was okay with giving you what you wanted even though I knew it was wrong. There’s another thing. As previously mentioned, my best friend doesn’t push me. If I say no, that is the end of it. You don’t know the meaning of no. You push, & you push until I feel like falling apart. I don’t mean to compare you two, but how else am I suppose to tell you what I want if not to show you? I’ve left my best friend’s name out because he doesn’t deserve to be seen as “that guy”. He isn’t “that guy”.  He is the only one that truly makes me feel as if fireworks are exploding in my stomach & mind. You just…don’t. We are two pieces on opposite sides of a puzzle.

There was also the times you insulted him to me. Why did I let that happen? He was my best friend & I let you talk bad about him because he “annoys” you. That wasn’t all though, because you insulted another friend afterwards. This wasn’t a spur of the moment red flag. This never hit home until after we stopped talking. You called them weird, awkward, annoying, strange…but I’m like them. They aren’t just randomly my friends! They are my friends because we are cut from the same fabric & I’m sorry if that means you are from somewhere else & we are foreign to you. I’m not going to sideswipe them because you can’t accept them for who they are. Maybe that’s what erks me the most. Knowing that deep down, you won’t like me for the real me. Just the looks of me. That deeply hurts.

I have to thank you though. If it weren’t for you, I probably wouldn’t have realized how much pain I would allow myself to be in. How much I would sacrifice, just to be someone’s something. Even if it wasn’t what I secretly know I deserve. I may be difficult & hard to love, but I’m a good person. I love endlessly, & recklessly, & I would give you my all if I was your everything. I’m sorry that we didn’t turn out the way you hoped we would be. I can’t lower my standards though. I can’t tell you to raise to my standards because I do not love you. I’m not sure that I ever can & I won’t drag you through the mud until I figure things out. I won’t promise you lies. This letter is my goodbye. My FINAL goodbye. Consider us a thing of the past. I hope you have a great life & find the person that connects to your puzzle piece. I hope you find true happiness, & get all that you deserve in life. I wish you all the best because you do deserve it. Just as much as I deserve it.


The Stranger you called Love.


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